FRIDAY FROTH...

If you’re looking for a decadent read...The Post Birthday World, by Lionel Shriver, may not be a twinkie as much as an oatmeal cookie (with lots and lots of chocolate chips and walnuts)-- it's sinful, but not completely void of "nutritional" value. The first chapter introduces an expat couple living in London. He’s a Columbia educated PhD working for a think tank and she illustrates children’s books. Their evenings are like their lives: routine. They have dinner, then watch T.V. and eat popcorn. The spice in their relationship comes, literally, from the exotic spices they use to flavor their popcorn and, from a once-a-year dinner that she and her husband have with a charming and reckless snooker player, Ramsey, on Ramsey's birthday. With her partner “think tanking” in Russia, she finds herself alone with Ramsey for one of the birthday celebrations--she has a little too much wine at dinner and goes back to the Snooker player’s house for a game. One thing leads to another and a kiss is eminent—end of chapter one. Every subsequent chapter has two versions—one tells the story of what happens if she excuses herself and goes to the loo, and the other tells the story as if she kissed him. It’s a bit of a Rorschach test so be careful!

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Other than a New York Times article a couple of weeks ago, John Edwards name has been noticeably out of the news, given a federal grand jury is investigating whether or not he is guilty of using campaign funds to conceal his extramarital affair with Rielle Hunter. It has been reported that Mr. Edwards paid a top staffer to claim paternity for the child that was the result of his transgression. Ms. Hunter flaunted the child at her grand jury appearance on August 6. It takes two to tango and both dancers should pay the price for dancing. Mr. Edwards will most likely pay the ultimate price, which for him (and most politicians) means becoming inconsequential. As evidenced by my opening statement in this paragraph--no one cares about John Edwards anymore. But what of Ms. Hunter? I think her picture should be plastered in Starbucks across the nation. Like O.J. Simpson, you should know that if you get involved with her, things could go seriously wrong!

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I’m assuming that you have your jack-o-lanterns carved and your spider webs hung, but do you have your Halloween candy bought? I have done a little research and have come up with a top ten list of favorite Halloween candy: Tootsie Rolls, Hershey’s Milk Chocolate, Nestle Crunch, Nerds, Hot Tamales, Candy Corn, Snickers, Baby Ruth, Reese’s Pieces, and my favorite, Almond Joy. Or, if you are watching your waistline, you can just stay home with a scary movie and a handsome/beautiful vampire and eat face!

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U. S. News and World Report recently had an article on “10 Tips for Living to 100”. If you are feeling like this might be fun then here you go:

1. DON'T RETIRE—Duh! Can anyone retire now?

2. FLOSS EVERY DAY—This has less to do with keeping your teeth so that you can eat, as it does with bacteria that cause cardiovascular problems—I’m serious!

3. MOVE AROUND—Yes, exercise is the only fountain of youth—do it, and do it every day.

4. EAT A FIBRE RICH CEREAL FOR BREAKFAST—I’m not necessarily hungry the first hour I’m awake but I make myself eat a little cereal with yogurt and berries and I drink a big glass of water—it’s a great way to get your metabolism started. The cereal I eat is like eating tree bark but I just keep thinking about the big latte that I’m going to treat myself with mid-morning.

5. GET AT LEAST SIX HOURS OF SLEEP—not a problem for me, I LOVE to sleep! I have a beautiful and comfortable bed, the best sheets and blankets that money can buy (this is NOT something to skimp on!), a chocolate brown bedroom that is like a cocoon and a really good snuggle partner—what’s not to love? I am so good at this that I may live to be 125!

6. CONSUME WHOLE FOODS, NOT SUPPLEMENTS—I say do both, just in case.

7. BE LESS NEUROTIC—As a rule, southern women are not neurotic so this is not a problem for me. If you however, are more Woody Allen than Daisy Mae, refer back to number three.

8. BE A CREATURE OF HABIT—They say people that live by strict routines, eating the same kind of diet and doing the same kinds of activities their whole lives live longer. I say, boring. I’ll settle for living to 97.

9. LIVE LIKE A SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTIST—These people live, on average, ten years longer than the average American—they don’t drink alcohol, smoke, or eat a lot of sweats. WHAT! Do we really want to live to 100—maybe not?

10. STAY CONNECTED—You can have great wealth or incredible power, but we all know that it comes down to friends and family—case closed.

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I may have found the perfect job for me! On a long flight from the east coast, I had a conversation with my seatmate, a Broadway actress. Like a lot of actresses, she has to make ends meet with other jobs. She told me that recently she has been doing “foot fetish” jobs. Men pay her from $150 an hour, to $1500 for an evening, to rub her feet. I asked to see her feet! They were normal, everyday feet, so I felt inclined to ask her if her clients rubbed anything else. They don’t go above the ankle she told me. Still not believing how great this sounded, I asked if the men kept both of their hands on her feet the whole time or did they maybe need one of their hands for, you know, themselves. She assured me that both hands were on her feet, and feet only, the whole time. I asked if she could sign me up! Imagine, someone pays you to rub your feet, AND, you get to expense pedicures, Manolos, and Louboutins! I ask you, does it get any better?

Arrogance, Narcissism, or Just Plain Not Smart?

Several weeks ago South Carolina's governor, Mark Sanford, got caught lying about his whereabouts. He told his staff that he was hiking the Appalachia Trail and would be incommunicado. Didn't you know right away that this story would end with another woman? Of course you did. Even if politicians hadn't been falling left and right to their carnal proclivities you would have known, wouldn't you? The thing that surprised me about the story was that during his rambling apology, Mr. Sanford said that he was sorry for the pain that he had caused by naming first, "her" (his Argentinian lover), his constituency got second billing, and his wife and kids came in third and fourth. Did anyone else notice this? Wouldn't a smart man put his wife and kids first? And a really smart man would probably make his apology to his lover as clandestine as his tryst, and not part of his public mea culpa. As I added it all up I couldn't help but think that this was NOT a smart man. Curious, I went on-line and read an amorous email exchange between Mr. Sanford and the Argentinian woman. He told her that he liked her tan lines. I can see a line like that coming from someone with braces and acne, but from a senator?   

Mr. Sanford's troubles continue. It has been reported that the governor violated South Carolina law by traveling abroad in first and business class; the state requires lowest fare tickets to be purchased. Mr. Sanford tried to excuse his expensive travel by saying that he could get more rest in the better seats so that he wouldn't look "haggard" at meetings. He really said that! A smart man would surely have feigned hard work saying that he needed the extra space for his laptop and his myriad of charts and graphs to prepare for his meetings. Although someone who requires his staff to use both sides of a post-it might be expected to tough it out and make do in coach.

Mr. Sanford is not alone.  A few weeks ago I saw Oprah interview Elizabeth Edwards.  Ms. Edwards wrote a book about life's adversities after her husband, a past senator from North Carolina, vice-presidential, and presidential candidate, John Edwards, had an affair with a woman that got his attention by calling him "hot".  He was running for the highest office in the free world and it wasn't his first election--you would think that he would've known better, you would think that he was smarter than that.  At the end of the interview, Mr. Edwards came in and Oprah asked him about his wife's book.  Sounding like the victim, he mumbled something about his wife being entitled to have her say.  When Oprah pressed him by asking, "but do you wish she hadn't?", he had a chance to say the right thing, maybe even the smart thing, like "no Oprah, I wish that I hadn't."  But he didn't.  He just reiterated that she was entitled to say whatever she wanted.

Then there's Bill Clinton's inappropriate behavior with a very young intern in the Oval Office--not smart behavior but he would probably not have been impeached if he hadn't lied about it to a grand jury.  I can't help but believe that if he had been man enough and smart enough to own-up to his actions, sincerely apologize, and then never mention it again (not that the press wouldn't pursue it), he would have been better off. As is, he is an impeached president and his legacy will forever carry the pall of his indiscretions.

And what about the women that love these men?  Hillary Clinton stood by her man but now she's the one that wears the pants in the family and she's doing a pretty good job of it.  Jenny Sanford didn't stand by her man on the dais (good for her), but she did give him a second chance before finally calling it quits.  I hope that she finds a soul mate of her own--one that reads Pablo Neruda and Octavio Paz poetry to her (I like your tan lines--are you kidding me!).  Elizabeth Edwards kept up the ruse throughout her husband's presidential run but then wrote the book--I hope writing it was cathartic for her--if not, she should try throwing it at him, every time he walks through the door.

I don't like the hypocrisy of these men that preach family values and then get caught with their pants down, or the ones that lecture us about sharing the wealth as they continue to vote themselves raises and get $400 haircuts.  Or, the ones that rail against big business while secretly making deals with them.  However, I'm not passing judgement on this womanizing and free spending as much as expressing surprise at their handling of their actions after the fact. 

Arrogance?  YES!  Narcissism?  Mr. Edwards and Mr. Sanford seem to worry more about their hair and looks than they do about their families.  Smart?  You be the judge.  You don't have to be Harvard educated but you really should be smart in a real common-sense let's-think-this-through kind of way to hold a major office in this great country.  Of course, it would also be great if you were humble, honest and honorable and could lead by example--is that really asking too much?  Lately, it seems like it may be.  Even President Obama has sneaked into bed with someone other than his wife--the drug companies.  It will be interesting to see how he handles the fallout.